a particular day

December 19, 2002

Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 31

Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 31.

Birthdays are silly, really .

Just some indicator of how many moons have gone by as we rotate.

I really thought for the longest time, if I just make it to 30. If I just make it to 30.

It's worthy to take pause though, and reflect.

---

30 was rough.
And not for the usual, I'm-getting-old reasons...

30 was rough more for the ignorance which I realized I fostered over the decades.

It was a battle between the mind and the heart.

Perhaps I'm still wrestling with the emotional journey, coupled with the physical journey.

I've been reeling ever since my trip across the country. The journey I went on because everything went to shit. The journey I undertook because I believed that I wasn't making the right choices...

I was unsatisfied with what I had invested.

To boot, I believed I wasn't learning basic human nature.

Sure I can make things. I can build a website. I can help start a business. I can match my socks. I can take pictures. I can use a computer. I can make vegetable soup. I can solve complex problems...

But I can't connect with folk on both a physical and mental level.

I was alone, and scared.

I still see these phases of my life as an outsider. An outsider to some secret notion that brings people together.

I never fit in.

I got along, of course... But I never fit in.

It took me 29 years to identify why (I thought) that was, and be honest about it. Once I did, it unraveled.

I didn't fit in at all.

I was again, on the outside.

It's funny how our eyes can see boundaries that aren't there, yet they seem so real.

Our hands can reproduce things in a variety of constructs: Paper, clay, metal, code, film. These things are real. But how we react to them moves into this inner world of interpretation.

I've always thought that music transcended these physical representations. It exists in a space that is tied to emotion - some compartment of our head that excites the senses.

That's all a tangent, but for some reason - it seems like there's an interconnectedness that I'm still not grasping.

I know there are boundaries that do not exist, but the mind has this way of being more creative than reality. I'm hedging my bets that this is, indeed, a good thing.

Reality can be so bleak.

Sometimes.

---

30 was wonderful.
And not for the usual, I'm-smarter-with-experience reasons...

30 was wonderful more for the fascination which I realized I fostered over the decades.

It was a victory between awe and wonderment.

Perhaps I'm still amazed that in the face of boredom or adversity, we have a choice to move forward.

And once we start moving, there are destinations and people that begin to fill the empty spaces we've carved out of ourselves over the years.

I am satisfied with what I have invested.

To boot, I believe I understand basic human nature.

Sure I can make things. I can build a website. I can help start a business. I can match my socks. I can take pictures. I can use a computer. I can make vegetable soup. I can solve complex problems...

And I can connect with folk.

We are alone, and scared. But there’s happiness and comfort that can be shared.

And I am an outsider... If only for the reason that I choose to say it.

If only for the reason that I choose to say anything at all.

I may never fit in.

But I'll get along, of course...

I like being on the outside.

It’s not desolate at all. There’s good company.

It's funny how our eyes can see boundaries that are there, and we can move freely about.

That's all a tangent, but for some reason - it seems like there's an interconnectedness that I'm grasping.

The mind has this way of being more creative than reality. I'm hedging my bets that this is, indeed, a good thing.

I'd rather create my reality.

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Comments

I turn 29 tomorrow :-)I see your birthday is just around the corner again :-)

Posted by: Mai-Kim Dang | Dec 11, 2008 9:57:54 PM

Thanks

Posted by: Steve | Aug 25, 2008 8:00:16 AM

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